koo_koo_yoshi

02:06 pm: We were just lucky....
It's strange how I can feel such detestment towards the two people that I'm supposed to love so dearly. Has it always been that I've disagreed with them? The feeling of resentment definitely is newfound, but why? I've always been raised to respect my elders especially the ones who raised me, no questions asked. Perhaps it's because I've gone out and seen some of the world, talked to some people, simply know what I like and what I dislike now. The question of parenting has been raised....what is a good parent? Someone who just grumbles when we make mistakes or just "bad" moves; one who critizes and never praises; but definitely one who has given rides to and from activities, right? I don't know...I never complained prior...simply because they weren't alcoholics or druggies, or constantly gambling...but the question has been raised...were they even parents? Always absent from PTA meetings, orchestra performances, counseling sessions...and please don't get me started on my sibling. There's so much catch up work to be done now that people can't help but ask, where were the parents all these years? why did we wait until age 21 to get him help? I'm not quite sure that their answer of 21 years of denial really answers responsibly. Frankly, they were waiting for until someone came along to take care of it, just like everything else...whether it's their medical, their bank statements, or just making phone calls...I just don't get it...I guess they were just really lucky that we all turned out okay...

02:55 pm: Finally!!!
I received a call from Alta Regional Center....and GOOD NEWS!!!! David is eligible for services because he is diagnosed with autism. Score!! FINALLY...sigh...

09:25 am: ugh...
It's funny that I was only looking at p33p33's xanga page and somehow found some of my old aca buddies there on his buddy list. It is a small world...way too small. Life seems to be good for them though...jobs...going to places...things are just happening, or is it that given the situation that I am in, the grass just look better on the other side...a dead end job, high azz credit card bills, and the same o same o friends from college. Welp, to be honest, ANYTHING seems to better. But I am fortunate, I have two providing parents (notice the careful choice of words here), what more can I ask for right? I believe we have come to an impasse again. However, this time, I'm much more mature (so I think) and I'm not 15, but then again, in some people's eyes, it doesn't matter. Age is just a number.

Things were supposed to be better since coming back from my trip to Vegas, other than the fact that I lost my azz off. Hey, whatevers. I can't take it with me anyways. The most disturbing thing to me is the fact that I brought something back with me, or so it seems. I had a fender bender yesterday. I'm okay though. It kinda happened all too fast. One minute I was stopped and looking for my chapstick in my purse, and the next thing I know I hit the guy in front of me. I suppose my foot slipped off the brake and it seemed like I rammed myself into the guy who was driving an older toyota. Good thing for me, "hablo espanol pequito y el es muy sympatico," he isn't going to report it to the insurance. I made sure I compensated him for his damages and time. But this "ugh" feeling just isn't wearing off at all. Things were handled and I think that is the most that can be expected from the situation. I just wished that a "are you okay?" would have transpired somewhere. But I think that is wishful thinking. LOL...I begin to wonder if certain things are supposed to be different? Perhaps....

10:06 am: Yes, I would be deemed ungrateful for my attitude right now, but I certainly feel that there is a bit of unfairness because some people have everything taken care of for them right from the start, yet a simple phrase such as "you speak the language better" gives them the right to just leave it up to me to take care of. Yet, when the situation arose that they could have helped me speak to a Cantonese speaking person, they were unable to do it. I had to take care of the situation. I had to resolve it on my own. Oh well. I don't care at this point. There have been things that have been accumulating that bothers me. Right now, I'm just glad that I can get away from it all....just two more days...

09:41 am: Surprisingly, it was a year ago that I made the decision to leave my independence and take care of other things at home base. I just don't understand though. There are times when I wished I never made this move and had gone back in time and just toughed it out. But at the time, the option seemed so crystal clear that this was the thing to do...to take care of unfinished family business... but my impression was just to take care of that specific issue be done with it while helping myself to my life long goals. There is just so much pressure now. To do everything for everyone. But, who is there to blame? No one specifically. Just the stars. Taking care of matters isn't what is irritating me though. It's more about cleaning up people's messes because they didn't want to listen in the first place. The time that it consumes is outrageous and they are allowed to merrily go on with their daily activities while I'm here sweating the bullet, trying to get resolutions. So, I'm just glad that I postponed my test. I can't deal with this type of pressure while looking at the supposed test being tomorrow. To be honest, I don't think the test is very hard. It's more of a mind game than anything else. But when my mind is taken up by frivolous things and things that I shouldn't have to deal with in the manner that I have to, that is when it irritates me.

Getting a receipt isn't hard is it? Then why is it that even something like that I have to do? Stupid shit like that irks me so...

10:51 pm: I would like...
Just a few moments of peace....
I think for once I am not out doing something for someone else, whether it be tutoring, volunteering, or plain with company. Don't get me wrong people, I love you all, but there are times when I just need to unwind and today is just one of them days. It's been a while since I've updated, and not too much has changed, but it just seems that I've been running 80miles per minute. I haven't heard back from Davis, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Well, they didn't call me right after the interview which may mean that I'm still in the running for a spot, and I didn't interview that horribly that they straight off the bat did not want me there. Davis would be a good location. It is time for some change. I've stopped giving a shit about work. Not that I do sloppy work now, but I just put in my time and get out. They already started treating me like I'm not going to be there in a month, which is good because at least the leave won't be so abrupt, but I can't say that I'll be sorry to leave. They are great individuals, but they really need to take a management class somewhere in there. It's hard to shoot at a moving target and working for them for the past 4 years have been as frustrating as that. But I see the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping that at least I will hear back from Irvine and UCSF soon. I would at least like to know that my applications were not just sent off to a big black hole. I think I did an excellent job with the essays questions and presented myself in the application well, but then again, the cut has to be somewhere, right?
The limbo of waiting for an answer has left me with no desire to be on my A-game. Here is one of my weaknesses where I can't just be aggressive and command what I want to do 100% of the time. yes, yes, the state of my apartment reflects my exhausted energy. Who knows, I may not reside here much longer...so there really is no point to keep it immaculate right?

01:12 pm: How do I measure?
So when is it that we stop evaluating our self worth by external people’s standards? Or maybe the more appropriate question that should be posed here is why is it that we do it? Are we just masochists by nature? Of course, naturally when we are placed next to the measuring stick, there is always that one person that is a centimeter “better off” than you, but in what sense? Is it really the overall personality that he/she has an edge or that particular aspect that we are grading ourselves so harshly against. Most likely, the correct answer is that unique quality or task or even possession. There I go again, “correct.” Is it so bad to not be so correct at times? Am I any less of a person because I take 20mins or 2 days longer to solve “how many remaining moles” is left in this concoction? Perhaps I am less smart. It should be okay, right? But when it comes to Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest, slower and less intelligent qualities are weeded out, so then the next logical question is why am I still doing what I am doing?

01:39 am: So where is the light at the end of the tunnel again?
Maybe I took another wrong turn somewhere...again...but I could have sworn that I was finally on track again. After all, this is the map that is laid out all the trailblazers before. But then again, I did take a huge azz detour...*sigh*....if I would have just stayed on track, I would have been there and back already. It's just depressing to think about it...I feel like such a big loser. It could be the tidal wave change that is doing it all...but I really don't think so. There is only so much baggage a person can carry before the knees begin to buckle. Sigh, I've always looked at this as an opportunity to do some sight seeing, to better myself, and do things that I just wouldn't do otherwise. But, I think work is the worst tie down ever. I need to get get my groove going again in school, and for sure it will give me a different outlook on life. I'm just so bummed right now. It just seems that things are falling into place, but all too late. The center piece is still missing, unfortunatey, it is too bad that that is the one that will be the one that will hold it all together. Or maybe, I'm just putting too much hope on one ideal.

01:36 pm: It's been a while...
Yes, it has been a while..and the funny thing is there isn't one day that passes where I think I can squeeze five minutes more just to write a lil something in here. My friend always reminds me that "the truth shall set you free," and I am quite a strong believer of that. There are things that just needs to be plain and simple and laid out as is...(truths/dares don't really apply especially in the case of f.u.b.a.r.)and I've found that it's just easier to come to grips with myself and with the things that I strive to do on a day to day basis. I honestly don't begin to comprehend how people live double lives...I tried, unintentionally of course, by hiding a part of my life from someone, but that didn't end up too well...it all catches up. Perhaps it is age that is the answer to everything because as each day passes a new wisdom strikes me. Not that I wasn't aware before, but to actually put it into practice, it really has changed the perspective in things...

It's the new year, and it's always a fun time of the year because we've just finished "consumer" season with mad people rushing to the malls and people attacking each other for the same item in the store...btw, I have not touched my "presents" since I've gotten back from Sacramento. Yes, they are long overdue, but at the same time, the energy has just been drained out of me to complete them. The are almost complete...just a couple of things here and there...but honestly, this past x-mas has been draining. It was the accumulation of losing my *$ family, planning and organizing different events, going home, etc etc. Please don't take this the wrong way and think that I don't enjoy planning, I actually do!! In fact, I enjoy staying home, being domestic, organizing my apartment and planning social events. There seems to be a natural high/satisfaction that I get out of planning details and finally seeing the even go through...must have been a wedding planner in my life time...who knows?? But now things are more settled and in place. Mr. Relativity has found his place out in Rosemead which I am happy for, except the possibility of a long drive to meet up on the weekends; my spanish class at SMC is finally in place, my EMT recertification is this weekend, which I really have to bust my butt to study now, afterall, I don't want to have to retake the class and the test..that would suck royally...speaking of that, I was thinking of joining this anonymous EMT company because of the PT offer, but I've been more and more disappointed and discouraged to do so just because I can't find any information that tells me that the company exists in good standings or even exists for that matter...strange i know...perhaps schaffer or amr would offer the pt positions, but i'm not sure how this is all going to work out just yet. I sent in my resume to two tutoring companies that i found off of craigslist.com, but I haven't heard from the just yet. Maybe I'll get the job, maybe I won't. I figure that by teaching someone else, I will relearn the science subjects and it would be more gratifying to me that I can help someone. I've always been skeptical about my skills to teach and tutor someone who was having trouble with the subject, but more and more I realize through helping boo, that actually no one is perfect and we all have to start somewhere. Sorry boo, you've been my guinea pig....but it's in all good spirit...

welp, so my bosses are back...i will divulge my experiences later...

11:53 pm: There are a million things...
on my mind...the unjustifiable way that the people are treating me at work...money issues which stems from that...and then there is the question of school...and balancing friends a family while i'm away....*sigh* the holidays are coming up and perhaps this is the very reason which makes me nostalgic of my comfortable surroundings at *homesweethome*. I called home today to ask mom whether or not she remembered what year I had chicken pox...she recalls that it was in the year '82...then of course she proceeds to ask me whether or not i heard back from any schools...hmmm...-_-;;;; "no, not yet mom..." but what was surprising of all was the fact that when i brought up the possibility of not being accepted this year into school, she offered to take me back in. It was the most wonderful feeling, and at the same time it makes me even more determined to get into school. Afterall, it should be the other way around...me taking care of my parents...but to know that my mom loves me no matter what really hit the spot. I think my most likely course of action would be to take on the post bacculate program and within the year apply to schools again. Despite the magnificent cost of applying another round, i think the year of going to school will more readily prepare my mind for the challenges that lay ahead for me. if davis has the type of program that i want to go, i'm definitely applying there and moving home. something inside of me wants to move home and save the 700 dollars that i'm paying every month for my room. it's a great room and a great location, but i really can't afford it ever since the transistion of the jobs and the penny pincher that that guy has become. the night before last i was working way over time...12 hours to be exact and he suggested to superdad that i write in my time shee 8 hours and work less in other days to make up for the pay. HELL NO!! I'm going to write down in my time sheet what i rightfully deserve, and if he questions me about it, then i'm going to bring everything to the table including the damn salary cut that he imposed on me. the saddest thing of all is that if you break down the salary to an hourly wage, i made more at starbucks than working now. yes, it is truly a sore spot. maybe i'm just obstinate in my ways because i just keep trudging along thinking that one day everything is going to be worth it. it will be, right? but whatever the case, i'm glad that in june of next year, i'm going to stop working for this mad man. i'm just tired of the bullshit...bullshit like one day he can just decide to change my hours to graveyard shift just to convenience his studies. Come on now...if he asked me himself, i may be better at swallowing it, but there is nothing that comes from him directly, everything comes from david, and i earnestly want to help david out, so no problem...but geez, he didn't even consider for one second the experiments that i have planned, nor did he considered whether or not i had a life outside of work...things like this makes me mad...an employer taking way advantage of the employee?? yess, absolutely yess!! So, why don't i leave the job if i'm so unhappy?? there is something that i want most of all from the job and that is to publish my paper as the first author. as soon as that paper is in print, i'm outahere!! there is no turning back because there isn't anyone except for david that i would miss....i may miss patrizia's stories...but other than that...i'm not going to be remorseful at all. there have been times when i have wondered to myself whether or not my talent would be more appreciated elsewhere. there is that possibility and hope that i can do something so much more worthwhile of my time and not have to be worrying about money issues. but then again because i only have a b.s. i will only be working on those one or two techniques and only dream about putting my name on a paper let alone write a whole entire paper. i don't care, i'm going to write the vip paper too so at least i'll have two papers even though the latter one is a methodology paper. i'm not a happy soul...

i know that out in the world there are other unfortunate souls and people who are struggling with money as well...because frankly, it all comes down to money again. without money we can't do anything, we can't buy food, pay rent, buy gas...the other day i filled up, and the grand total was $34.20!! Holy cow! i should just walk everywhere, just to save on gas because the prices are just ridiculous! it's okay because after this month, i'll be okay....it just means that i won't have the dough to buy christmas presents...i'll just have cards...*sigh*

next month around this time, i'd officially be in a five year long relationship...wow...seems pretty long...i can honestly say i've been through alot with this man. There have been times in conversations that it has popped up whether or not we should have started in high school and been high school sweethearts to begin with...and we both would just shake our heads and say "nah" cuz i honestly wouldn't have it any other way. i would have probably been more of a spoiled brat back then if i had this guy spoiling me...who knows...i just wouldn't be the person that i am today without this guy who supported me through my ups and downs. he really makes my heart smile when i see him and to know that the love is reciprocated...wow...it's the most awesome feeling in the world...and our 5 year anniversary will definitely be memorable...i've planned something special...sorry, i can't disclose it here...because if he happens to read this entry before the day, it would just spoil the surprise...^_~ don't worry, i'll give you all the details after the fact!